scared to fall in love

Free fall down into the unknown
give you my heart and relinquish my soul
it's best for what life shall bestow
so I take a big step in the unknown

Never look back, for this is the choice
don't question myself, and keep my mind poised
take a look up, thank god and rejoice
because the truth is, I know I made the right choice

So I follow the path and forget the past
this devotion and emotion, I'll make sure it lasts
with passion so wide and a love so vast
pain and sadness will be things of the past

To the One Who Gave Me Life

To the one who gave me life
I can give nothing but love
To the star so full of light
to the one sent from up above.

Thank you for the kindness
for everything you do
thank you for the happiness
thanks for seeing me through.

I love you more than anything
I'll love you to the end
you are my mother first
then my very best friend.

It is unusual what we share
everything I do you know,
every beautiful quality
you have in you, I try to show.

Not often enough do I tell you
how much you mean to me
Not often enough do I show you
how your love set me free

To live forever and always
Is what I wish for you.
A long life ever-lasting
for one so sacred and true

You are my special angel
who I always find comfort in
whether life is in a shambles
whether I lose or whether I win

To the one who gave me life,
I can give nothing but love
to the one who genuinely is,
sent from heaven above

depression poem

Days of endless struggle
More hopeful pills today
Trying to appear ‘normal’
In some sort of way.

It seems that the struggle
Is always here with me
And I wouldn’t be here now
If guilt would leave me be

I know there’s been many
Who’ve had it worse than I
But that doesn’t always mean
That I wouldn’t say good-bye

People say I have a lot going for me
I’m sorry, but I just can’t see
I can’t see because my worst enemy
Is not my life, but inside of me.

Always on a roller coaster,
Not much consistency
I’m nothing if I’m not up or down
I’m nothing if just ‘me.’

Very little energy
Wanting to stay in bed
Wishing to be enthusiastic
Instead of feeling like I’m made of lead.

Wanting to be excited
Wanting to care for more
But when nothing makes sense
It’s hard to focus on the poor.

Cluttered mind, cluttered thinking
It’s hard to keep in touch
With what is happening around me
And not to worry too much.

I feel that everybody is better than me
And that I can’t do anything right.
This is how I’ve felt my whole dang life
It didn’t just start last night.

No confidence, no self-esteem
Everybody else is right
To speak my mind is to be a fool
So I just try to ‘sit tight.’

Any one of these problems
Would be a heavy vice
But when you have them ALL
Living seems like a roll of the dice.

Gone

I am gone.
I'm so far gone you wouldn't even know
So far gone I won't even show.
I'm so far gone and there's no way out
so far gone I just want to shout.
I'm so far gone you could never hear me scream
So far gone you wouldn't hear a thing.
I'm too far gone I try and let you see.
So far gone you wouldn't notice me.
I'm so far gone drowning in quick sand.
So far gone there is no helping hand.
I'm too far gone you can't help me.
So far gone I tried, begged on one knee.
I wish you could understand how much pain one could withstand. 

I try to be brave yet I have drowned, 
I'm in so deep to deep for you to notice, 
to deep for you to care I'm gone now nothings left. 
I should only hope you learn, 
it was never your fault. 
The depression cut me
to deep for you see to deep for you too feel.
The Pain is bigger then me, 
I tried to fight.
I'm just gone now.
I'm sorry

im feeling very depressed lately...im 2000 miles awya from my family and my sister committed suicide this month and everythng is falling down around me.

missing my sister

One morning I found you in eternal sleep; 
I tried to wake you as I began to weep,
But all my pleas you could not hear;
Oh if I could have only kept you near,
Away from the voices of those who went before,
Who beckoned you to come to that distant shore.

I find it so very hard to believe
That you have gone and I must grieve;
I call out your name -- you answer not,
And I look for you in every familiar spot.
Everything seems so strange and surreal,
I ask everyday is it a dream or real?

Where are the soft brown eyes of affection?
Where is the laughter and talk of childhood reflection?
Where is the loving care when I was sick or sad?
Where is the generous soul for which I was glad?
Where is the forgiving and understanding heart?
Where are the bonds that were there from the start?

I miss all the little ways you showed you cared,
For there were so many good moments we shared;
Looking back on my life’s assorted scenes,
I realized you taught me what love truly means;
You were my trusted confidante and best friend,
On whose loving support I could always depend.

I look at your smiling face in all my photos;
Memories flood my mind as I touch the mementos
From the happy times you and I have had,
But now these bring tears and make me sad;
For the time together went by in a wink,
Life was not as long as we’d like to think.

Sometimes memories bring comfort and make me smile,
But there are times when grief takes over for a while;
Friends offer gentle words and prayers to console,
And tell me what has happened to your loving soul;
Can it be true what they say of time healing grief?
Is it enough when they say death has given you relief?

Can we believe what others say of a better place,
Where our beloved ones rest in God’s warm embrace?
I should be happy you’re free of pain and sorrow,
And rejoice that you’ll always have tomorrow.
How can I then be so heartbroken and selfishly cry,
Return to me from that peaceful place where you lie!”

Now I look down at your name on a cold hard stone
That says little of the loving light you have shone;
It tells nothing of the wonderful person you were,
And only serves to remind me of the painful loss I endure;
But I know your kind soul wants no tears or pain,
Instead you’d want warm memories and love to remain.

Although I cry and stand grief-stricken by your grave,
I promise not to forget the loving memories you gave;
But still I miss you so very much my sister dear,
And your caring words I once again long to hear;
My heart’s only solace is one day I will see you as before,
Beckoning me to come join you on that white distant shore

for my mother

When God set the world in place, when He hung the stars up in space, when He made the land and the sea, then He made you and me. He sat back and saw all that was good, He saw things to be as they should. Just one more blessing He had in store; He created a mother, but whatever for? He knew a mother would have a special place to shine His reflection on her child's face. A mother will walk the extra mile just to see her children smile. She'll work her fingers to the bone to make a house into a home. A mother is there to teach and guide, a mother will stay right by your side. She'll be there through your pain and strife, she'll stay constant in your life. A mother will lend a helping hand until you have the strength to stand. She'll pick you up when you are down, when you need a friend she'll stick around. A mother is one who listens well, will keep her word; will never tell. A mother never pokes or pries but stands quietly by your side, giving you the strength you need, encouraging you to succeed. A mother is one who can be strong when you need someone to lean on. You're more than a mother to me; a reflection of Him in your face I see, a love that knows no boundaries. I'm glad that you chose to be all this and more to me. You share a love that knows no end, you're more than my mother, you are my friend.

for milissia

I wish you sweet sleep, my sister dear.
Although there's so much that you've left bare
I hate that you had to endure such pain
On my mind, your saddened eyes have left a stain.

I want to know what crossed your mind
Unspoken words you've left behind
Undone things we'll never do
No sharing thoughts you never knew.

A peace has fallen upon your head
A taste of sorrow we have been fed
It really is like a hole in our lives
One swiftly dug but carved out by knives.

But I have hope that those sleeping will rise
The Bible says that God will open their eyes.
No suffering, sickness, yes not even pain,
Those who did good, eternal life they'll gain.

So... sleep on my sister, sleep tight
For now with you the sky is night.
But after night will come daybreak
Therefore I will wait hoping to see you awake