Sadness of a Woman

She comes for me in silence
When the night is closing down
And most have drawn the curtains
on their eyes

She wears a lovers face
That has never seen a dawn
It disappears in daylight
and I know it's just disguise

and she says

I ..... carry the sadness of a woman
A sadness only women understand
You.... you'll hear my footsteps
Louder when I'm gone
Just like every other man
Just like every other man

Many nights I've waited only
to see her shying at the fences
She measures her time
with me like salt

Just enough to help the flavour
Of her times and of her tenses
Not too much
That corrosion might take hold

and she says

I ..... carry the sadness of a woman
A sadness only women understand
You.... you'll hear my footsteps
Louder when I'm gone
Just like every other man
Just like every other man

Can you trace your reflection in my eyes
I can be fooled
But not this time
She sighs

In this old blue dress
How can you adore me
When you really should ignore
and let me go

I say
Take off that Old Blue dress
and come for me in twilight
And she smiles as if she just might
And that's all I need to know

I ..... carry the sadness of a woman
A sadness only women understand
You.... you'll hear my footsteps
Louder when I'm gone
Just like every other man
Just like every other man

this is dedicated to Elizabeth Bull a very dear friend of mine...

Night of the Queens

one queen squeels as the other retreats,
flings a drink after him overhand,
baptizing the bystanders, making a scene
the two apparently need to create:

some hissy diva-drama, obscure and public.
And i'm soaked. Even my socks ( a last minute gift
from L, at the airport, saying take care of 
yourself, meaning I can't say this,

I can hardly stand this) and suddenly
I'm standing in a bog. what am i
supposed to do? do i squeel too?I
don't owe them that. Do i laugh benignly,

as if this whole embarassing buisness
were funny, were my idea of fun?
do i smile knowingly( the older man,
wiser and gentler, in expensive shoes)?

Or suck in my belly and scowl (yes daddy)?
Or stick out my belly and yell at some kid
(please master) as if he were to blame for it?
None of these options feel like freedom, exactally.

the flannel-plaids and sleeveless vests
settle for a shrug, a side-long chuckle,
a manlier grip on their beer bottles
...and the tide subsides.  Two college sweatshirts

boogy in place, locating each other
by echo. I'm getting too old for this.
I know why L needs it- the practice,
the disco, the visual fick of desire,

the shock of being wanted: becasue it is difficult
and possible; because a young gay man
needs to be given, over and over permission
to need; because he is handsome and he feels

darkly that somehow this affects his life,
not yet that beauty like his is a gift
to console him for his youth. He is young
and will be hurt, and hurt others, in time.

- because having grown up in this culture
a man has passed the standard social rites
and needs to return, to do it right
the second round, to learn the rules of pleasure

and honesty, party- behaviour  and sweet
repression, as a queer and decent man.
It's a funny buisness, this sex thing,
so thorough and so incomplete. The queens

Are dancing now, shirtless, rolling their waists,
and thiers solitude is terrifing. They enact
something more rooted than politics,
or privacy:that we are people an "us",

a community...but of what? shared need? can
such affection matter, if we offer it
beyond persons- to any hunky trick,
 or to men collectively, or to some man

lucky particular, who summerizes
for the moment what one seems to want
for the moment, for the empty weekend?
is this display itself a kind of tie?

an icon of raw want? A community,
what is that? Do i mean a collection
 of the brave and the needy, of whom
these feral dancing boys,

posing and turning in the hard music,
are our ambassador, shamans,poets?
Maybe i'd explain it that way to some judge
whos tood beyond the threshhold of the subject.

This scrimmage of allegiance and resistance,
i wonder how it differs from any other
citizenship a grown man chooses. these are
my people. We danced together into the camps.

And yet we embarrass me, and squeel,
and pour your beer in my favorite socks. These years,
anyone can die of misjudged sex;
we know, we all

know. Am\nd know too a man can wear away
from solitude: no one is immune.
How can I be too proud to be here,
when i feel the same urgency

that moves them, dancing? Shocked by joy, to see
in the torque of that long boy's waist the same
white turning as L's. his torso, when he winds
a towel around himself, so pure it sears me.

The Symetry of it: we are one body and are
each apart. Though wheather this lurching fugue
of sex and its pulses are the effect
 or the fact of the lonliness, curse

or the first cure, whether this dancing
exposing thier waists can make them happy
(as i am for the moment, lifting happy),
who am i to say for them? i can say

we are a people, whatever that signifies
in language or in longing. or in belonging
exactally through this pulse and its common
 motions. or through this saying. obliquely

for us all. The queens are lofting, angelic
now. The t-shirt with the kind moustache
has asked the skinny overalls to dance
(as he hoped there shyly, glancing);

Big Daddy (even his cigar is leather) is buzzing
over the boy in the wire-rimmed glasses,
they sway as the sinuous music passes
through them, they are discussing

insect-images of sexuality in Proust....We
are one body; we lift and embarrass me-
and i'm grateful, I realize, may be
for that most of all-: we amuse me,

in the implausable surprise
of being here...though it's getting loud
in this blue cellar; it's late, it's packed; the crowd
is turning younger, and the hot smoke burns my eyes.



this was written after coming home from my very last night at the clubs...i have come to the realization that im too old to go clubbing now...thisng dont get going till after midnight and im ready to go home and go to bed at midnight...and by the way ..there is no L...it was jsut a fictional character...

the crush

Why do I feel this way
I stutter, and don't know what to say
What makes you so special
I've studied your face and your eyes that sparkle
The way you look at me makes me weak
maybe I've fallen in to deep
What if you don't feel the same way
What if I'm only dreaming
What if I'm only imagining these things
Why do I feel this way
I wish I had answers
I wish you could fix it
I wonder if you feel it too
I Love You.

ode to danny

You broke my heart
And won't repair it
You took my love
and won't give it back
You made me feel
and never did
You made me have hope
and you gave up
My heart is broken
You gave me good times
You gave me bad times
You let me fall for you
You let me fall in love
And you let go of me
And you let me have my heart-broken

scared to fall in love

Free fall down into the unknown
give you my heart and relinquish my soul
it's best for what life shall bestow
so I take a big step in the unknown

Never look back, for this is the choice
don't question myself, and keep my mind poised
take a look up, thank god and rejoice
because the truth is, I know I made the right choice

So I follow the path and forget the past
this devotion and emotion, I'll make sure it lasts
with passion so wide and a love so vast
pain and sadness will be things of the past

To the One Who Gave Me Life

To the one who gave me life
I can give nothing but love
To the star so full of light
to the one sent from up above.

Thank you for the kindness
for everything you do
thank you for the happiness
thanks for seeing me through.

I love you more than anything
I'll love you to the end
you are my mother first
then my very best friend.

It is unusual what we share
everything I do you know,
every beautiful quality
you have in you, I try to show.

Not often enough do I tell you
how much you mean to me
Not often enough do I show you
how your love set me free

To live forever and always
Is what I wish for you.
A long life ever-lasting
for one so sacred and true

You are my special angel
who I always find comfort in
whether life is in a shambles
whether I lose or whether I win

To the one who gave me life,
I can give nothing but love
to the one who genuinely is,
sent from heaven above

depression poem

Days of endless struggle
More hopeful pills today
Trying to appear ‘normal’
In some sort of way.

It seems that the struggle
Is always here with me
And I wouldn’t be here now
If guilt would leave me be

I know there’s been many
Who’ve had it worse than I
But that doesn’t always mean
That I wouldn’t say good-bye

People say I have a lot going for me
I’m sorry, but I just can’t see
I can’t see because my worst enemy
Is not my life, but inside of me.

Always on a roller coaster,
Not much consistency
I’m nothing if I’m not up or down
I’m nothing if just ‘me.’

Very little energy
Wanting to stay in bed
Wishing to be enthusiastic
Instead of feeling like I’m made of lead.

Wanting to be excited
Wanting to care for more
But when nothing makes sense
It’s hard to focus on the poor.

Cluttered mind, cluttered thinking
It’s hard to keep in touch
With what is happening around me
And not to worry too much.

I feel that everybody is better than me
And that I can’t do anything right.
This is how I’ve felt my whole dang life
It didn’t just start last night.

No confidence, no self-esteem
Everybody else is right
To speak my mind is to be a fool
So I just try to ‘sit tight.’

Any one of these problems
Would be a heavy vice
But when you have them ALL
Living seems like a roll of the dice.

Gone

I am gone.
I'm so far gone you wouldn't even know
So far gone I won't even show.
I'm so far gone and there's no way out
so far gone I just want to shout.
I'm so far gone you could never hear me scream
So far gone you wouldn't hear a thing.
I'm too far gone I try and let you see.
So far gone you wouldn't notice me.
I'm so far gone drowning in quick sand.
So far gone there is no helping hand.
I'm too far gone you can't help me.
So far gone I tried, begged on one knee.
I wish you could understand how much pain one could withstand. 

I try to be brave yet I have drowned, 
I'm in so deep to deep for you to notice, 
to deep for you to care I'm gone now nothings left. 
I should only hope you learn, 
it was never your fault. 
The depression cut me
to deep for you see to deep for you too feel.
The Pain is bigger then me, 
I tried to fight.
I'm just gone now.
I'm sorry

im feeling very depressed lately...im 2000 miles awya from my family and my sister committed suicide this month and everythng is falling down around me.

missing my sister

One morning I found you in eternal sleep; 
I tried to wake you as I began to weep,
But all my pleas you could not hear;
Oh if I could have only kept you near,
Away from the voices of those who went before,
Who beckoned you to come to that distant shore.

I find it so very hard to believe
That you have gone and I must grieve;
I call out your name -- you answer not,
And I look for you in every familiar spot.
Everything seems so strange and surreal,
I ask everyday is it a dream or real?

Where are the soft brown eyes of affection?
Where is the laughter and talk of childhood reflection?
Where is the loving care when I was sick or sad?
Where is the generous soul for which I was glad?
Where is the forgiving and understanding heart?
Where are the bonds that were there from the start?

I miss all the little ways you showed you cared,
For there were so many good moments we shared;
Looking back on my life’s assorted scenes,
I realized you taught me what love truly means;
You were my trusted confidante and best friend,
On whose loving support I could always depend.

I look at your smiling face in all my photos;
Memories flood my mind as I touch the mementos
From the happy times you and I have had,
But now these bring tears and make me sad;
For the time together went by in a wink,
Life was not as long as we’d like to think.

Sometimes memories bring comfort and make me smile,
But there are times when grief takes over for a while;
Friends offer gentle words and prayers to console,
And tell me what has happened to your loving soul;
Can it be true what they say of time healing grief?
Is it enough when they say death has given you relief?

Can we believe what others say of a better place,
Where our beloved ones rest in God’s warm embrace?
I should be happy you’re free of pain and sorrow,
And rejoice that you’ll always have tomorrow.
How can I then be so heartbroken and selfishly cry,
Return to me from that peaceful place where you lie!”

Now I look down at your name on a cold hard stone
That says little of the loving light you have shone;
It tells nothing of the wonderful person you were,
And only serves to remind me of the painful loss I endure;
But I know your kind soul wants no tears or pain,
Instead you’d want warm memories and love to remain.

Although I cry and stand grief-stricken by your grave,
I promise not to forget the loving memories you gave;
But still I miss you so very much my sister dear,
And your caring words I once again long to hear;
My heart’s only solace is one day I will see you as before,
Beckoning me to come join you on that white distant shore

for my mother

When God set the world in place, when He hung the stars up in space, when He made the land and the sea, then He made you and me. He sat back and saw all that was good, He saw things to be as they should. Just one more blessing He had in store; He created a mother, but whatever for? He knew a mother would have a special place to shine His reflection on her child's face. A mother will walk the extra mile just to see her children smile. She'll work her fingers to the bone to make a house into a home. A mother is there to teach and guide, a mother will stay right by your side. She'll be there through your pain and strife, she'll stay constant in your life. A mother will lend a helping hand until you have the strength to stand. She'll pick you up when you are down, when you need a friend she'll stick around. A mother is one who listens well, will keep her word; will never tell. A mother never pokes or pries but stands quietly by your side, giving you the strength you need, encouraging you to succeed. A mother is one who can be strong when you need someone to lean on. You're more than a mother to me; a reflection of Him in your face I see, a love that knows no boundaries. I'm glad that you chose to be all this and more to me. You share a love that knows no end, you're more than my mother, you are my friend.

for milissia

I wish you sweet sleep, my sister dear.
Although there's so much that you've left bare
I hate that you had to endure such pain
On my mind, your saddened eyes have left a stain.

I want to know what crossed your mind
Unspoken words you've left behind
Undone things we'll never do
No sharing thoughts you never knew.

A peace has fallen upon your head
A taste of sorrow we have been fed
It really is like a hole in our lives
One swiftly dug but carved out by knives.

But I have hope that those sleeping will rise
The Bible says that God will open their eyes.
No suffering, sickness, yes not even pain,
Those who did good, eternal life they'll gain.

So... sleep on my sister, sleep tight
For now with you the sky is night.
But after night will come daybreak
Therefore I will wait hoping to see you awake

Ode To You

You -- you --
Your shadow is sunlight on a plate of silver;
Your footsteps, the seeding-place of lilies;
Your hands moving, a chime of bells across a windless air.

The movement of your hands is the long, golden running of light from a rising sun;
It is the hopping of birds upon a garden-path.

As the perfume of jonquils, you come forth in the morning.
Young horses are not more sudden than your thoughts,
Your words are bees about a pear-tree,
Your fancies are the gold-and-black striped wasps buzzing among red apples.
I drink your lips,
I eat the whiteness of your hands and feet.
My mouth is open,
As a new jar I am empty and open.
Like white water are you who fill the cup of my mouth,
Like a brook of water thronged with lilies.

You are frozen as the clouds,
You are far and sweet as the high clouds.
I dare to reach to you,
I dare to touch the rim of your brightness.
I leap beyond the winds,
I cry and shout,
For my throat is keen as is a sword
Sharpened on a hone of ivory.
My throat sings the joy of my eyes,
The rushing gladness of my love.

How has the rainbow fallen upon my heart?
How have I snared the seas to lie in my fingers
And caught the sky to be a cover for my head? How have you come to dwell with me,
Compassing me with the four circles of your mystic lightness,
So that I say "Glory! Glory!" and bow before you
As to a shrine?

Do I tease myself that morning is morning and a day after?
Do I think the air is a condescension,
The earth a politeness,
Heaven a boon deserving thanks?
So you -- air -- earth -- heaven --
I do not thank you,
I take you,
I live.
And those things which I say in consequence
Are rubies mortised in a gate of stone.

Part of Me From You

I see in you something missing from me. When I am with you I am whole. I reach into you for my missing piece. I use part of you as me. You freely give to me of yourself And bring out the best in me. I become whole more confident in myself. Yet I am incomplete because The missing part of me is still in you. When we are apart my missing piece fades away. I am incomplete The shock of the loss makes me chase after you. What is the cost to you Supplying a missing piece of me Supporting me where I lack. But the missing piece is in me all the time. I need only to claim it as mine. I cannot take from you to fill in a part of me. But I can see myself through your eyes. And recover what I thought I had lost.

I am rotten

rotten to the core

I feel so locked in

and I feel so torn

The air I breathe

rejects my lungs

My chest heaves

as I feel your tongue

My sweet, sweet honey

you keep me alive

But the days aren't sunny

in our beehive

Those full of hate

try to keep us apart

If that is our fate

it's a dagger in my heart

And so I must bleed

on this wretched, cold floor

I am the weed

the canker, the sore.

Look at me one last time,

so I can see into your soul.

Hold my hand one last time,

so that I kiss it and squeeze it tight.

Hug me one last time,

so that I can feel your body against mine.

Kiss me like you’ll never see me again,

so that our hearts begin to race.

Lay down next to me,

as we get lost in extacy,

one last time.

Let me feel your body go crazy,

so I know that I made you feel just right.

Let’s make love until the sunlight,

as I wake up holding you tight.

And in that moment,

For the final time,

I tell you that I love you,

With each passing day and night.

I kiss you gently as I walk away,

Because I knew that was the last time you’re going to see my face.

forbidden fruit

hush hush

just let the moon's pale face

illuminate

the forbidden fruit

that drips from the limbs

hush hush

not another whispered word

how bitter sweet

the nectar is

tinged sour with sin

hush hush

when love entwines

under the night's cover

you'll be mine

my sweet sweet

forbidden fruit

hush hush

no more words

words, ugly things

creatures that hurt

rip

poison

hush hush

this is ours 

a secret

the world won't pry it away

rip us apart

our fingers still sticky

with this luscious poison

no, our colors wont bleed away

not just yet

we still have time

to feast

on the sin that is

our forbidden fruit

Cold December Winds

Ravens dance upon the grey tombstone

Cold December winds leave an invalid kiss

The words R.I.P shadows behind a blood stain

It was the last thing he remember before his death

The gun cocked and place at a great angle

A bottle of whisky shatters among the wretched ground

He lost all purpose once more

But this time it won’t be a fail attempt

This time he will get it right

For this time he will die tonight

It was not the words good-bye

Nor the warmth of a friend’s hug

That drove him over the edge

But the letter reach read

“Good-bye world
I had enough of this
in hell may I be tormented
by the grace of my own sanity
I leave you with a thought
I am no longer trapped”

Depression found a heavy shoulder to cry on
the reason to continue became like the sun
lost in the sky of a rainy day
sleep was something that he lack

Drink him –self stupid

Trying to forget all about the world around him

It was no use

Everything reminded him of a once summer dance

A secret crush

A friend to turn too

Standing under a streetlight lost

It was this which he came to think

That he will not part without him

That he was his everything and more

And so here he stands

Gun cocked

Drunk to the core

Ready to die

Ready to fly

‘BAMM!!” goes the gun

Down his body falls

Blood red as wine soaks the grass

Forever is he embraced in the arms of his true beauty

Forgotten among the realm of the living

Shatter upon the realm of the dead

Now he walks this place

Between the world of now and tomorrow

Never knowing peace

Never knowing the joy of love

Cause death found no reason for him

And so he is the haunting of a love gone stray

The ghost of shadow play

I am who i am

im sorry i cant be who you want me to be,
as fierce as a tsunami 
or as beautiful as the sea
i just cant be
most times im like a animal in a cage
begging to be free
people walk by
poke and stare as if to forever taunt me
im sorry i cant be
as perfect as the dream you see
im not perfect by any means
but thats not enough to admit it it seems
i try to be happy
and fight for a noble cause
but never getting anywhere
a lonely heart breaking to share
i am who i am
i am me
if you cant see my beauty
then you cant see me
im not perfect but i am perfectly flawed
my heart longs to be shared
but not by someone who never cared
i know eventually
my heart will be taken
by someone who truely loves me